17 Years young by Leah R.B.

(Trigger warning: graphic desciption of forced sexual acts)

I was 17 years young
Acting old
Feeling grown.

I was drinking vodka.
You bought it for us.
We took shots we got drunk.
We smoked.

Slyly got the invite over.
After all.. you did buy us the booze.

You were 21.  
We were only 17.

The flirting started
I honestly welcomed the attention.

We kissed in the hallway.
                                            I liked it.
You led me to another room.

We kept kissing                     
                             I was having fun.
You backed me up and lifted me on the the bed.
I had liquid courage.
I was having fun.

Your hands went to my jeans
I said NO.
I knocked your hand away.
                                       I buttoned my jeans again.

You persisted.
I said NO...     
                    just kiss me.
I giggled uncomfortable
and pulled your hands away.

You didn’t stop..
I said NO!
                    You broke my button.

I held them on,
                         Still telling you NO!
                        Still letting you kiss me.

You were pushing yourself against me,
you were turned on.
                                   I held my pants on white knuckled.

                                                               Was I afraid?..... I can’t remember.  
                                                                    I’d been drinking.
You pulled your pants down.
                                                I sat up in protest.
I am playing it cool.
                           I don’t want to make a scene.
I feel bad I led him on,
        I’m not that type of girl.
                                                                             I’m a virgin.

You came in to kiss me...I let you.

You shoved me down.
My hands still holding my pants on.
                                                  Pinned to my sides.

You forced yourself in my mouth.
I gagged and froze.
I didn’t know what to do.
              I thought at least he’ll stop trying to fuck me.
                                                                                                       I felt relief

He tries for my pants another time.
                                               I grip tightly, I say NO.

He came back to my mouth.
You’re okay Leah at least he didn’t fuck you.
Time passes I focus on breathing.
                                 I don’t like this…. Am I even doing this right?

                                                  Maybe if I pretend to like it, it’ll end soon.
                                                                                   At least he didn’t fuck me.
                                                                     I’m holding my pants on.
                                                                                    I’m still a virgin.
                                                                                              Leah you’re okay.

I squeeze my eyes shut and pretend to like it.
Time passes minutes...hours I’m not sure... I’m praying.
                                             I’m pretending to like it.
                                                          I’m holding back tears.

I swallow when he finishes.
                 It immediately comes back up,
                              I swallow again.

He’s off of me.
                                        I play it cool.
I excuse myself to the bathroom.

I throw up,
                   I must be drunker than I thought.
                                                          I don’t like vodka that must be it.

I look myself in the mirror.
                    You’re okay Leah,
                                             At least he didn’t fuck you.

I pulled my shirt over my broken button.
I go to join my friends.

He stops me and kisses me in the doorway.
EVERYONE Is watching.
He squeezes my ass.
                                                 I play it cool. Leah you’re okay.
                                                                                   At least he didn't fuck you.

I rally everyone to take a shot with me.
I sit down next to my sister.

I tell my friends we hooked up.
I’m not sure what else to say.
                                               You’re okay Leah
                                                       At least he didn't fuck you.
                                                     You’re still a virgin.

Weeks later...
I’m not sleeping well.  
I always sleep well.
                                        It’s okay Leah.  
               If you didn’t let him put it in your mouth...
                                                                Well he wouldn’t have stopped.
At least he didn’t fuck you,
                                       that’s good.
Leah you’re okay, you led him on
                                       You were asking for it
I hear from a  friend
He bragged that he forced me…
                     He laughed when he told...
The truth sets in.
The tears finally flow

I didn’t ask for it.
I never said YES.
                     There was no consent.
                                                                   And he knew it.


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