H.A.'s survivor story of CPTSD from child abuse

Trigger warning: child abuse, child molestation and rape
(The following is a survivor story submitted to me)

I was about 5 or 6 years old the first time I saw my biological father rape my older sister. She was about 11. She has a different father, one she doesnt really see. My mother was always very sick when I was growing up. In and out of hospitals constantly. So my dad had me and my sister. And eventually along came my baby brother. My father continued to sexually abuse my sister for years. He used threats to keep her quiet. She wanted to protect us all. I was about 8 or 9 when he started molesting me. He used threats and even a gun to keep me quiet. His mom, my nana, knew what he was doing to us. She liked it. My sister found blood in my underwear when helping me get dressed one day for school and realized what had been happening. So at about 14 years old she saved us. She told. She made sure my brother and I were out of the house and with police before he could react. We were saved. Finally. My brother hadn't been abused sexually  (to our knowledge ) but my dad had tried to drown him and it was dangerous. I thought our nightmare as a family was finally over and we could all start to heal. But that wasn't the case for us. Sadly it wouldnt be for years still. After my sister saved us my mother moved all of us into our grandparents home. But instead of us all healing together , she got a boyfriend. Within a couple months we lived with him. He was nice at first. Tried to be a father figure for a bit. But that changed. He had a very mean streak. He would degrade us all the time. The worst names you could imagine calling kids. Especially kids already tramatized. My big sister moved away and it was just me and my brother. My mom's bf became her husband and there was nothing we could do. He screarned as loud as he could in our faces. Made us do ridiculous chores at all hours of the night. Called us terrible things and made us feel as worthless as possible. He became very physical with my brother. Kicking, choke holds, pushing. I tried to get us help from my mom, my family. No one would though. The abuse became so bad I started to hate myself. I started to hurt myself. Then one night he pushed too far, so I tried to slit my wrist. When I woke up, still alive, I knew. I had too leave. So at 16 I moved out on my own. With nothing. I bounced from house to house a lot. The whole time my baby brother was still home, being abused. I tried calling the state for help. Nothing happened. The abuse got to my brother too. In a different way. He started to become mean. Hit anyone smaller then him, bully everyone. Get violent out of nowhere. Exactly like our step father. So my mom sent him to live with my aunt in a different state. With no kids in the house my mother seems to be much happier wth my step father. It took me a long time not to hate her for what she let him do to us, her children. A lot of self healing had to take place for me not to hate myself or feel disgusting. I was on ptsd medicine for a long time for horrible night terrors. I am 20 years old now and still healing. My brother is 15 and still mean. My mom lives with my step father and still tries to force the relationship between us all like it never happened. Like he was and great dad. Thank you so much for listening. This is only the gist of a very painful childhood. But some things I still cannot say out loud yet. Even without closure from my mom or family I have learned how to heal myself. It is possible.

Submitted by: H.A


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