#whyIdidntreport

I saw this hashtag circulating twitter. I sat at my computer thinking if I would share my story as well. I have been pretty overwhelmed emotionally lately. The news sometimes feels like a large scale exposure therapy session making me confront my trauma and the feelings surrounding it. Consuming articles, videoclips, statuses, comments etc have felt like an emotional roller coaster lately. One moment I feel empowered by those speaking up and the next triggered by societies reaction. Am I too sensitive? Should I just tune it all out? I don't know. I don't have an eloquent prepared response, answer or even a description of how I am feeling.

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep. My mind has been racing thinking about details of my past and drawing connections to current events. I wish I could shut this part of my brain off. Sometimes it feels like I am constantly having every synapses firing off in my brain, I can't slow it down and I can't ignore it.

So as I said before, I have been thinking a lot lately about the rape and how I felt going through life after, so it feels strange that when faced with the #whyididntreport  that I feel at a lost for words. But is it really a lost for words? or are there too many words to fit into one consolidated number of characters allowed in a tweet. Is it the pressure of being able to concisely portray my reasoning and justify my actions in a way that people would understand? I feel frustrated that this hashtag has to exist and that some people need to hear first hand the logic of a victim in order to have some empathy for them.

...but still I feel the need to elaborate on why I didn't report.

There wasn't just one reason and I think that is why I am struggling at putting this all into words.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

-I didn't want to admit it happened.
-I didn't want an investigation to prompt him to find me ( I wanted to stay a stranger and hoped he would forget about me even if I would never forget him. thinking he couldn't find me made me feel safer)
-I was ashamed, I felt weak. I thought maybe I didn't fight hard enough, maybe I made the wrong decision to stop fighting and I deserved whatever came from this
-I was so focused on being able to survive day by day I couldn't even fathom the long term effects
-I was afraid of others response and victim shaming. ( If I hated myself this much I couldn't imagine what an outsider might think or say)
- I couldn't even say it outloud to family and friends how could I tell a police officer or talk about it in court
-By the time I was able to identify who my rapist was months had gone by and it felt to late to report it. I couldn't subject myself to a trial which would be labelled he said vs she said and most likely still never see justice.

There are so many other reasons but all you need to know is I didn't make this decision lightly. I never stopped feeling guilty that he could still be doing what he did to me to others.

I'm not sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post. I have just been so in my head lately I felt like I had to let it out.

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