Lately, I haven't been able to sleep. My mind has been racing thinking about details of my past and drawing connections to current events. I wish I could shut this part of my brain off. Sometimes it feels like I am constantly having every synapses firing off in my brain, I can't slow it down and I can't ignore it.
So as I said before, I have been thinking a lot lately about the rape and how I felt going through life after, so it feels strange that when faced with the #whyididntreport that I feel at a lost for words. But is it really a lost for words? or are there too many words to fit into one consolidated number of characters allowed in a tweet. Is it the pressure of being able to concisely portray my reasoning and justify my actions in a way that people would understand? I feel frustrated that this hashtag has to exist and that some people need to hear first hand the logic of a victim in order to have some empathy for them.
...but still I feel the need to elaborate on why I didn't report.
There wasn't just one reason and I think that is why I am struggling at putting this all into words.
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER
-I didn't want to admit it happened.
-I didn't want an investigation to prompt him to find me ( I wanted to stay a stranger and hoped he would forget about me even if I would never forget him. thinking he couldn't find me made me feel safer)
-I was ashamed, I felt weak. I thought maybe I didn't fight hard enough, maybe I made the wrong decision to stop fighting and I deserved whatever came from this
-I was so focused on being able to survive day by day I couldn't even fathom the long term effects
-I was afraid of others response and victim shaming. ( If I hated myself this much I couldn't imagine what an outsider might think or say)
- I couldn't even say it outloud to family and friends how could I tell a police officer or talk about it in court
-By the time I was able to identify who my rapist was months had gone by and it felt to late to report it. I couldn't subject myself to a trial which would be labelled he said vs she said and most likely still never see justice.
There are so many other reasons but all you need to know is I didn't make this decision lightly. I never stopped feeling guilty that he could still be doing what he did to me to others.
I'm not sure what I was trying to accomplish with this post. I have just been so in my head lately I felt like I had to let it out.